Hello, friends. I’ve missed you. I haven’t been writing because, well, I’ve been processing and growing, and it’s been too exhausting to leave any energy for things like writing and….thinking. Today, though, ohhhh today. My last three months of processing and growing led to a victory in my heart. Let me tell you.
My 2014 Fall, as most of you know, was turbulent. It was a season of grief, despair, and the worst: I was seriously struggling to trust God, leaving me feeling hopeless and dry. I wish I would have been writing through it, because to explain now would take far too long. Let’s just say, I am slightly (okay, absurdly) controlling. The irritating kind of controlling. I know it’s irritating because recently, my almost 4 year old spent five minutes telling me how to care for his brother. “Mama, make sure if Eliam has a butt rash that you go right to Target and get cream. And he shouldn’t watch more than one movie. And make sure he says ‘please’.” Aaaahh!! You guys. He was being me. I DO THAT. My poor family. Anyhow, you can guess that if I struggle to control such ridiculous details, I am a mess about the big stuff. So, this past season has been about God prying every sense of control from my hands and, in the end, heaping grace and faithfulness all over my sorry head. Before I get to the part about today, let me explain one more thing that has been on my mind so I can tie it all together in a messy little bow at the end.
It is this one little word that looks phonetically unpronounceable that is rocking my world: enough. (Seriously, who decided that “gh” should make the “ff” sound?? Let’s find a time machine and slap him.) After continually striving for more, for the next thing, for “getting ahead”, God keeps reminding me that we have ENOUGH. But God, what about all of our friends who have paid off student loans and are smooth sailing down Dave Ramsey’s plan to “live like no one else”? In the wind, “I don’t want you to live like no one else. I want you to live in a state of dependency on me. I want you to be content. You have enough.” But God, what about savings? Retirement? Vacation? In the stillness, “You have enough. You have always had enough. You will have enough.”
And that was that. I am learning (present tense) not to worry between paychecks. I am learning not to worry what would happen right now if our car broke down. (Because it would be okay.) I am learning not to compare our enoughness to others’. Friends, in all honesty, I don’t envy houses, cars, or even shopping trips, but your vacations are killing me slowly. I’m pretty sure half of my friends went to Disney World in December, and while I smiled at your excitement, I was secretly resisting the urge to egg your houses while you were frolicking with Micky and Minnie. I’m still processing and growing through this enoughness; don’t judge. 😉
So, today. You know how we just moved into our new house? Bless it, it’s so stinking precious. Well, today we had a septic repairman come check out our laundry situation, which goes something like this: wash clothes, rinse clothes, yard floods. Yep. No bueno. To prevent any boredom that would ensue should I give you the rundown of our plethora of septic woes, let me just cut to the chase. We concluded that we must connect to the city sewer system. This is such a boring problem, right?? It sounds boring until you know that it will cost approximately eight THOUSAND dollars. Umm, what? Five trips to Disney World…one bathroom addition…a horse…ten rooms of furniture…these are all things we could get with the same amount of money it will cost to move our crap to a sewer. Who knew.
So, nice man is standing on my porch, covered in rain and our muddy septic sludge, delivering this news. Guess what controlling, anxious, fearful me did? I walked back in the house, continued making supper, and I had PEACE.
Victory, people. Three months ago, I would have crumpled on the floor saying, “Why US? Why God?” But God’s lessons on His enoughness cracked through this jaded heart and left me smiling at this annoying news. Because guess what? It will be okay. We will finance our poop pipes and pay for them for the next two years and it will be okay. We will cut back on expenses and we will still have enough.
Shortly after hearing this news today, while finishing the soup I was preparing, I glanced up at my kitchen chalkboard and saw my doodles.
In EVERYTHING, give thanks.
In everything, GIVE thanks.
In everything, give THANKS.
Friends, while I write this, I am praying for you to experience His enoughness today. If it takes a stupid, $8,000 problem to teach me this lesson, it’s worth it. His enough is enough.